Proximity & Friends

I enjoy talking to people. I am unashamedly open. Thinking that my declarations of honesty will inspire others, I share almost everything about my life, my past and my political stance. Sometimes it works. But other times I’ve put myself out there and it’s not entirely reciprocated. When a person responds, I’ve made a friend.

“Wherever you are, there you are.” Being present and available for people challenges me at times, but since I’ve been back from India I am working harder to listen and be in the moment. For the three months I was at Sanskriti School I talked with the same people on a regular basis and managed to make some connections fairly quickly. By not being there I don’t have relationships with Poonam, Smita, Deepti, Neelakshi, Ina, Abha, Amrita, Ruma, Vijaya, Monisha, Yogita, Sharmilla, Devjani, Meeta and my other colleagues. I feel the loss. Twinges of missing them flutter in and out of my mind and occasionally I send an email.

Then I think of Lindie and Amanda and Amy and Kurt - people I’ve met over the years and consider great friends. But none of them live close to me. Lindie, a friend for over twenty years, and I sort of have a deal that when we get in touch, great, and when we are together we pick up right where we left off. And the other three people I mentioned all live in RI; even though I don’t see them very often I still know they are good friends. Though, when Amanda and I lived together we were best friends. I saw her everyday and we shared in all of life’s ups and downs, including her losing her amazing father.

Therefore, I wonder, what makes a great friend?

To completely be myself and never worry about my friend getting mad at me for something without telling me. Honesty and openness rank high on my friend rating. Being able to laugh and not take myself too seriously follow. My best friend is definitely Bart. After that I think about a handful of people and consider who I call in a challenging situation.

Proximity matters. Now that I’m here and not in India the people I work with are the people I see the most; then the people I make plans with outside of work. In New York City, certain places tend to be less desirable to travel to due to the complications of highways, traffic and length of time to get there. That matters for making plans and seeing the people I want to see often enough. Close friends live close by.

What confuses me is the transition I have to make. I might have become the best of friends with someone, but I also might never see the person again. What merits the energy it takes to make that relationship stay alive? Can email, letters and phone calls sustain a relationship? What about people I used to be more intimate with but now the bond isn’t as strong?

Music: “Sparrows Over Birmingham” Josh Rouse